i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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