I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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