Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
