i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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