my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
