ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Screwed.edu
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
