My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dicks are not precious.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
