I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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