you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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