just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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