one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
