I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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