She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize