I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
