She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize