i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
