I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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