You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
