Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
