Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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