absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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