Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
