Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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