After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
