So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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