it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
