Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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