There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
