I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
