She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
