i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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