I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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