im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
