I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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