At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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