I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
