I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize