is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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