so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
