All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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