Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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