I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
