The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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