I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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