i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
