oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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