I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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