this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
