Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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