I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
