I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
