His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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