My underwear smells like fireworks.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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