Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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