there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
