I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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