It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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