Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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