tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
