Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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