i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
