The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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