my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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