In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
another moral hangover. fuck.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
