Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
