We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
