I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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